Opening up a bit...

Apparently my brain has been pretty active the past 24 hours and I ended up having a very interesting dream. But a bit of lengthy back-story first…

I’ve been in a bit of a reflective mood lately… thinking of hard choices and sticking with them. Doing what scares you. Taking that step and hoping that the net truly does appear and that you don’t end up going SPLAT on the ground. *g* Trying to do what you think is the right thing, what you feel God is calling you to do, trying not to look too far into the future and then start faltering. (My specialty.) It’s hard to press forward, keep the faith, and stay focused on the present. Yep, this is about the whole art thing… from the class I’m taking to etsy to what the future holds.

For instance, I ordered a set of moo cards the other night before I went to bed. You can have up to six lines of text on the back, so I chose to have my name, my email address and… my etsy store address. I’ve been planning on opening my own shop for a while and the other night I got a wild hair and listed the only painting I have available. (I’m hoping to have another couple of things to list within the next week or two.)

What’s the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up the next morning? (Besides go back to bed?) Order new moo cards (because it's too late to cancel the other order) that don’t have my etsy address on them, because it’s not going to work, I only have one thing so far and no one will ever buy it, the new stuff I make won’t be good, who wants my stuff, I’m not good enough, I’m embarrassed to even let people know in case I fail, they’ll all laugh because who is she to think someone would pay for a stupid painting, etc, etc, so on and so forth. I couldn’t possibly send those cards to people.

Sheesh! The battlefield of the mind is one brutal thing. And never-ending! Logically, I know that all of that isn’t true, that it’s that evil, nasty little abusive voice in my head spouting off. :-)

No, the store thing may not work out, it may never take off. Maybe it will. Maybe I’ll sell something in a few months. Maybe I’ll make a contact out of this that will lead to something else entirely. We’ll see. I have to say that joining that Creative Every Day thing and actually posting a link to my site for this week has been awesome, as has joining Swap-Bot and posting pictures on Flickr. People who don’t even know me have been so supportive. I’m stepping out, finally participating and things are happening. Just have to keep the faith and not retreat back to where I was.

I wrote the above to one of my sisters who then kindly corrected my delusions and gave me some straight talking and support. :-) She’s good at it – been doing it for many, many, many years!

So then I was reading another artist’s blog and found this…

"...a Christian, above all people, should live artistically, aesthetically, and creatively....If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to what has been created for our appreciation....We are all in danger of thinking, "Some day I shall be fulfilled. Some day I shall have the courage to start another life which will develop my talent", without ever considering the very practical use of that talent today in a way which will enrich other people's lives, develop the talent, and express the fact of being a creative creature."

--from The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer

For those who are not religious, feel free to ignore the first part. :-) But I think many people (of all belief systems) can relate to the rest of what she says. How many people in this world feel that way? Do that exact same thing? I know I did for many years. So I had all this brewing in my brain when I went to sleep. That’s when my subconscious had a field day.

I had this dream that there was this werewolf that came out every night to devour people. There were only two things that could protect you… If you were sleeping, he couldn’t get you. But if you were awake, the only way to protect yourself was to be touching canvas. It was like it made you invisible. So throughout the dream, if I was awake at night, I would grip this canvas wallet type thing I had (and when I woke up this morning, the hand that was gripping it in the dream was aching from me gripping it in my sleep.)

The most vivid part and the part I remember the most was the end, where I was in this big room, I think it was a restaurant, and the werewolf came. It was sort of a U shaped room and he entered through the other side from where I was. I stood against the wall, mostly facing it and gripping that canvas thing like crazy. I could feel the werewolf coming towards me. I thought that if he brushed against you, he would figure out you’re there and turn you into a tasty little snack. But when he brushed against me as he passed by, he never figured it out.

After he passed me by, I turned to look at him and I was so surprised. He didn’t look scary at all. Don’t get me wrong, I could sense the danger in him, but he looked like a whacked out grown man with a frizzy bush of hair doing this exaggerated prancing tip-toe thing. Nothing like a wolf at all. It would have been absolutely ridiculous if he didn’t have that underlying sense of danger to him. He made his way back through the room and left. That’s when I woke up.

I'm not usually big on dream interpretation, but every once in a while, a dream will stay with me and be rather obvious. Interpretation? The werewolf is those fears that haunt me regarding my art. Obviously art, because of the canvas. Boy, my subconscious is not subtle. LOL! If I’m sleeping - ignoring my creative desires like I did for most of my life – the fear has already gotten me. Of course he’d leave me alone. If I’m awake and not concentrating on the work, those fears can distract and hurt me and I can let them prevent me from being creative, from working on my art.

The fears can brush against me, but if I’m DOING the work, keeping my attention on the work where it belongs, it won't stop me. And when I really stop and look at the fears, I see how powerless many of them really are, unless I give them the power to hurt me. Now, the fact that the canvas was in the form of a wallet… I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be making money from the art in the future! :-)

All in all, the dream was actually kind of cool and reassuring. :-) Not so cool was the fact that it woke me up at 5 am with a horrendous headache and an aching hand. *g* But it’s given me some food for thought.

Now I'm off to go work on a quick Dia De Los Muertos painting and then finish my value study. I'll blog later about my art class and how it went!


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